Why Am I Here?

Author: Reese
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: They're not mine...blah blah blah...wish they were...blah blah blah.
Summary: Michael goes to see Liz after the events of Departure for reasons even he can't fully understand.
Author's Note: This was supposed to be my first Polar fic, but somewhere along the lines it became a "I'm working out issues" fic. My apologies to all my friends who are Polarists. Maybe next time...

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Why am I here?

I linger between two rungs of the ladder before finishing my silent ascent to her balcony.

She is sitting there, as I expected, with her journal in her lap, gnawing on the end of a pen. She is so lost in thought she doesn´t even see me lurking in the corner.

Why am I here?

I must break the silence…and end the persistent questioning of my own mind.

“So?”

She doesn´t even blink; just sits there, staring up at the stars. “So…what?”

“Where does all this leave you and Max?”

She finally turns to face me. The calmness of her expression is frightening. “What do you care?”

There is no anger in her voice, no resentment…only curiosity.

Why am I here?

“I just wanted to…you know…see if you were okay…for Maria´s sake.”

“No. You wanted to see if I was going to share with the world that there are aliens among us…and that one of them broke my heart and another killed my best friend. That´s what you wanted to know.”

This time, her voice reveals the anger trapped within. She´s been through a lot today-heck, we all have-but I think it has affected Liz the most. I don´t know if she will be able to overcome the betrayal of two of my kind in one day.

So why am I here?

“Fine. Think whatever you want. I can´t control that anyway.” I did nothing wrong. I refuse to apologize for the actions of others.

“No. You can´t. That was her gift, remember?”

She is just sitting there, staring at me, the anger making its way across her face. I take a step toward her.

“Look, she betrayed all of us and—“

“Yes, but she didn´t kill you…any of you…now did she?”

I don´t need this. I´ve been through enough today. This isn´t my fault. None of this is my fault.

So why am I still here?

“No. Fine. Whatever. I just wanted to check on you since I saw you didn´t leave with Max…or any of us. You left with Kyle.”

“I wanted to make sure he was okay. He´s been through a lot lately, too. We lost a friend because of someone he considered family.”

“I just thought I´d see what it meant, you not leaving with Max. I thought you two would want to talk everything out now that this is all over and—“

“It´s not over.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Well, Max has to save his son, remember? I mean, we can´t save Alex so that´s obviously over but Max still has a chance to save his son. So, even though Tess is gone from this planet, it doesn´t mean she´s out of our lives. And until then, it will never be over.”

She is out of her chair and standing before me. Her eyes are fierce and determined and focused on mine.

This Liz is not afraid of me…or anyone. Not anymore.

This Liz will never forgive, or forget, what has happened to her because of knowing us…and loving one of us.

“Is it over, then? You and Max?”

“Yes.”

“Are we over--I mean, all of us?”

“Speaking of…how was Maria?”

How does she know…?

She turns back to her chair and I am left there, practically speechless.

“What?”

“When you took her home, how was she? How is she taking the news?”

She doesn´t even look at me. I don´t think that´s what she meant.

“She´s--um--fine. She needs some time to process it all, I think.”

“So what are you doing here then, Michael? Shouldn´t you be with her? She needs you right now.”

How did we get here? This conversation changed directions too quickly.

But why am I here?

“I needed to know you were okay.”

The words catch us both by surprise.

Just then the phone rings and she reaches for it, her eyes never leaving mine.

“Hello?”

Damn the phone.

“Hey Kyle.”

Damn him, too.

“Sure, come on over. I could use the company.”

What? What is she doing? I need answers. I need more from her than the knowledge that she is okay.

I need to know that we are okay.

“I´ll see you soon.”

She clicks the phone off and places it beside her.

“You should go.”

I can´t speak. I can´t move. I can barely breathe.

“I have a friend coming over.”

Why is she doing this?

“Michael. Go. Away.”

I make my way to the ladder and begin my descent into the darkness below before I hear her whisper my name.

She leans over the edge of the balcony so that her face is merely inches from mine and her hair is brushing against my face.

This is where she´s going to tell me that she´s sorry, that she has to be there for Kyle because of what he´s been through.

This is where she´s going to tell me why I´m here. She will answer my question without my having to ask it.

She will tell me where we stand.

“Don´t come back. Ever.”

So that´s why I´m here.