My Everything

The Hermione Monologues, Part 3/7

Author: Lissanne
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. No infringement intended.
Summary: Futurefic, Hermione POV. Hermione reflects on a life full of love, sorrows, joys, and hope.
Thankyou: A huge thank you goes to Debbie for her beta and her support and encouragement. Without her, these monologues would never have seen the light of day.

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Dead.

I hate that word.

I haven't said it once in the seven months he's been gone. I can't bring myself to say it because it's so … final. If I say his name and that word together, then I will be admitting to myself that he's gone forever and won't be coming back. Won't be here to raise the daughter I am due to give birth to any day now. Won't be here to name her, to watch her grow into the beautiful woman I know she'll become. Won't be here to walk her down the aisle when she finds the man I hope will give her even a fraction of the happiness that Harry bestowed upon me.

It's been seven months, and I'm sure I can count the number of hours sleep I've had on one hand. I miss him so much it hurts my heart to even think about it. I miss his smile. I miss his voice. I miss the way he used to wake me up every morning by kissing that sensitive spot just below my ear, the one only he knew about. I miss the words of comfort he would utter as he held me in his arms after I'd had a bad day. I miss the times we would dance in the kitchen at one in the morning and always end up making love on the kitchen table. I miss the look of unequalled love that shone from his eyes when he'd look at me - unequalled by everyone except me, of course. For if anyone in the world loved Harry as much as Harry loved me, then surely it was I.

He was more than just my husband. He was my lover. My saviour. My protector. My soulmate. My best friend.

He was my everything.

One of the things I can't get over was the cruel irony of his … passing. That The Boy Who Lived, having cheated death countless times, should be killed by a drunk driver - a Muggle - is inconceivable. And even crueller was the fact he wouldn't normally have been driving - it was only because of my pregnancy that he was. I hadn't Apparated for a month, worried about possible harm to the baby. I wanted to talk to the doctor about it, so we'd taken to driving everywhere until I'd had the chance to discuss it.

I'm so glad Harry knew about the baby, even though it wasn't official yet. It would have killed me if he hadn't known.

It happened the day I confirmed I was pregnant. He was supposed to come and pick me up to come to the doctors with me, but he'd gotten caught up with work, so he owled me and said he'd meet me there. However, when he didn't show, I went in alone. It was only when I came out after having my pregnancy confirmed and found he still wasn't there that I began to panic. I went from elation at the news of our baby to extreme worry.

I must have been outside for twenty minutes when a familiar car turned up. As the driver stepped out, I knew instantly who it was. Hard to mistake that red hair for anyone else. I wasn't surprised to see Ron - I knew he was following Harry in his car because we were going out for dinner afterwards and Ron had to leave early that night, so he was bringing his own car, and he was driving because we were - but I wondered why Harry wasn't with him.

I'll never forget the look on his face. I've never seen Ron look so gaunt and miserable in my life. I asked him where Harry was, and he opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He couldn't bring himself to say it. He didn't need to. I could see it in his eyes.

I remember hearing the screaming, but it wasn't until later that I found out it came from me.

I don't remember much of the few weeks that followed; the funeral passed in a blur, although I remember the sea of faces. Ron told me later there were thousands of people there. Seemed like the entire wizarding world had turned up. People I'd never met before came up to me to offer their condolences. Mum and Dad stayed by my side, although it was Ron that I needed to have near me. He never left me alone.

He still hasn't. I would never have made it through without him. He was with me every day, making sure that I ate, because most days I would forget. He told me I couldn't forget, because I had someone else to consider. I know that in my grief, I must have driven him mad, because he snapped at me one day. Told me Harry would be upset to see me in this state, neglecting our baby. Those words finally sunk in, and I began to get back into a routine. Get up. Shower. Eat breakfast. Read the piles of letters and cards and attempt to answer some. Eat lunch. Talk with my parents, who would come over every afternoon to be with me. Eat dinner, usually with Ron, and sometimes Sirius, who stayed in touch every day to see how I was. I enjoyed Sirius' company; he brought me great comfort. He never shied away from talking about Harry, as some others did. Mostly, he would share all his good memories with me, and I with him. We'd alternate until we were either laughing or crying, usually both.

Going to doctors' appointments was the hardest thing for me to do. Ron always came with me to them. Mum offered more than once, but I didn't want anyone but Ron. He'll be by my side when I give birth to Harry's baby. I can't imagine anyone else being there. Except, of course, the one person who should be there, but won't be.

I know I'll get through it. I have our daughter to look forward to. I'll be able to tell her all about her father. She'll have plenty of male role models in her life. Ron, Sirius, Dad, Arthur. I've compiled a scrapbook for her, for when she gets older. It's mostly photos of Harry, but I've put little things in it, things that remind me of him, so I can share the memories with her. The first flower he ever bought me is safely preserved between the pages. A copy of our marriage certificate. A shell from the beach where he proposed to me five years ago. The first love letter he ever wrote me, in which he said on parchment what he couldn't say out loud. I hope each of these memories will help her know the kind of person Harry was; together with her family, all of whom will share what they remember.

I'm sorry for her that history has repeated itself, and she will grow up without her father. I know how deeply it affected Harry to be raised without his parents, even though he never said it, so I'm determined that our daughter will always have him live on in spirit.

But as for me … I'll never love anyone else. I'll never marry again. It was always only Harry for me - I knew it from the moment he said he loved me the first time. I could never love any man as much as I did him, and I never will.

But as a wise man once said, it does not do to dwell on dreams. I can dream he'll come back, but I know he won't. So my life will go on, until the day I finally get to see him again. I look forward to that day when we'll be reunited. The day our souls will once again be complete.

My Everything: The Hermione Monologues, Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / Victoria / Harry